So just like that, the European summer is finished and I am in Asia. In some ways it feels like I have been ripped from one dimension and dumped into some alternate world. I had grown accustomed to my little surf camp love bubble. Three months of being consumed by another person and another place. Not having to worry about ‘the real world’.
So much so that for the first week in Vietnam I could hardly sleep. Which of course meant that I was tired all the time and I couldn’t think straight… The best way to describe it was that my head felt foggy. It took some time for me to realise that I felt dizzy. I had spent months in a vortex spinning around and around and now I had stopped, my head was spinning.
The worst part about it wasn’t the lack of sleep but it was the confusion... What am I doing with my life? What kind of life do I even want? These questions and 300 others would fly around my head at 1am when I should be fast asleep.
Before going to Spain my days were long and disciplined. But I loved it. Everything was under control and a lot of my conversations were deep chats about life.
On the contrary, the life I lived in Spain was definitely a life of leisure. My days now consisted of siestas, bike rides, surfing, laughing and talking rubbish. Oh and one hour of teaching each day. Don’t get me wrong, it was great but there was definitely less ‘meaning’ in each of my days which meant that I didn’t feel the sense of satisfaction and fulfilment that I receive from my life at home. But I was happy, exploring the concept of love, laughing lots and learning so much about life and myself.
So you can see why everything suddenly seemed so confusing. In many ways, these lives are at opposite ends of the spectrum. From a life full of responsibility to a life that can only be described as a mix between a teenager in love mixed with a gypsy sloth. But they both made me happy, so which life did I want?
But of course, I don’t actually have to choose at all! It doesn’t have to be one or the other and all I have to do is to create a place that exists in the middle. Where I can laugh, love, stay up late, forget about the problems of the world and party until 5am. But where I can also live a life of devotion. A life where I can study, practice, work hard, ponder ways to save the world, go to bed early and wake up with the sun.
That place does exist and I don’t need to find it, I need to create it; day by day.